My Testimony

To me, my Mom was the most amazing person in the world. She was better than any superhero in the movies. She was beautiful and smart, but most of all, she had a heart of gold. She was my EVERYTHING. I never let go of her hand, never left her lap, and NEVER left her side. We had this saying, every time one of us got into a bad situation "Don't worry I have your back, we are in this together. You go, I go." We promised we would never leave each other alone. We had a bond that I cant even find words to describe. It was me and her against the world. I never had many girl friends growing up, because I never really got along with them. But that was fine with me because I would come home to my Mom every day and that was the only woman I needed. I hung out with guys a lot, but never really had a boyfriend. I never needed one though because my Mom did all the things for me that a "boyfriend" would do. She took me shopping, took me on lunch and dinner dates, cuddled with me when I was lonely, cuddled with me when I needed affection, took care of me when I was sick, and all the other stuff a significant other would usually do. She was more than just my world, she was the heart that kept mine beating. On and off the softball field, she was my BIGGEST fan. She NEVER missed a single game. No matter if I struck out, or hit a homerun, she was the first person to give me a hug and tell me how proud she was after my games.

I had the picture perfect life. A Dad that gave me everything I could ever want or need, a super hero Mom, two amazing younger siblings, and the opportunity to play the sport I love most in this world. I felt like I had the universe in the palm of my hands. Any curve ball life threw at me, I was ready to hit over the fence and out of the park, I felt unstoppable. Then one night, life threw an off-speed pitch, and not only was I caught off guard, but it flipped my world completely upside down. I never thought that one sentence, just one fact, could change my life forever. Just a six letter word, with two syllables. It starts with a C and ends with an R. Just two letters from the alphabet, that are meaningless unless you know the letters in between. When the other 4 simple letters are put in between in the right formation, it spells out cancer. A word with 6 letters changed my life completely.

I never understood the word cancer, and was not prepared for what was about to happen within the next few months. But in that moment, when my Dad was sitting in front of his 3 kids, hearing the words come out of his mouth.. I felt like a knife went straight to my heart. My Dad told me not to be loud because my Mom was upstairs and could hear us. But I lost it and ran to the bathroom to throw up, sick to my stomach from what I had just heard. I sat on the bathroom floor, crying and just questioning WHY. When I finally calmed down, I walked straight upstairs to my Moms room. It was dark and she was laying in bed. I crawled up next to her and just cuddled, like I had millions of times before. But this time was different. We didn't say anything, we just laid there holding eachother. If I would have known how it was going to end, I would have laid right there beside her and never let her go.

She said, "What are you doing?! You aren't even supposed to be holding your purse, let alone walking around all day shopping and holding all those bags!" My Mom giggled like a little kid who had got busted sneaking candy, then continued to giggle her way to the couch so her nurse could do all the tests. We prayed a lot, and came together as a family. Not only did we have our blood family, but we had our church family as well. All of a sudden things started getting worse and things began to go downhill quickly. She started needing emergency surgeries and soon both kidneys stopped working. She had bags all over her body just to support her bodily functions.

This all happened during my high school senior year of softball, so I decided to dedicate my season to her. It was hard, but the softball field was the only place I could go, where nothing else mattered. It was my escape, escape from reality, escape from the truth; it all disappeared once I laced up my cleats and stepped between the chalk lines. Between those lines, it was just me and the game. My Mom hadn't been to a game yet once my season started because of all her treatments and need to be in and out of the hospital. She had bags all over, and had to wear baggy clothes to hide them. My team had made it to the championship game, and she told me that she didn't care what people thought because she was coming to that game to see me play. Right before the game started, I saw her walking up to the field, and I had never been a happier girl in my life. My team was visitors, so we had our at bats first. I happened to be lead off batter, so I was the first person up to start the game. The VERY FIRST pitch the other teams pitcher threw, I swung as hard as I could, and hit a homerun! As soon as I touched home plate I pointed to my Mom and told her that was for her. That was by far, the most memorable softball moment I have EVER had in my life. To see that smile on her face... Imprinted my heart forever. Our team ended up winning that game, and I got a trophy for being Most Valuable Player of the tournament.

She really was superwoman, every single day she would wake up at 5 in the morning to go the gym, came back to shower and get ready for work, got the kids up and prepared for school, drove us to school, worked a long hard day in her office, came home to pick us up from practice, cleaned the house, did laundry, helped with our homework, made dinner and enjoyed what little time she had left for herself. Let alone all the bills and paperwork she had to take care of. Its amazing that it took me 18 years to realize this.. but it also gives me hope to live up to be half the woman she was.

As the days went on, she became sicker and sicker. Slowly the effects of cancer began to grab ahold of my Mom. Her mind, personality, and heart were still perfectly there, but her body began to give up on her. I have heard so many stories about people who have fought cancer for years and all these amazing stories about survivors, and I knew my Mom was a fighter so I never really worried. But soon the effects started becoming more real. I thought I was a tough person, but seeing someone you love in that much pain and knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do about it is one of the worst feelings in the whole world. All too soon, I heard the words that I never wanted to hear. The words telling me that my Moms cancer was incurable. At first, I accepted it in my heart, and gave it all up to God. I thought that if I prayed hard enough, he would give us some miracle and my Mom would still beat it. The hardest part about knowing she wasn't going to make it was waking up every morning wondering if she was still here. I had to play every softball game and wonder if she would still be here when I finished so I could tell her how I played. There were nights before my games that we would be in the hospital until after midnight waiting on results from her emergency surgeries. It began getting harder and harder to play the sport I love, when all I could think about was my Mom. I spent as much time as I could by her side, never knowing which time might be my last. The thing that hurt the most was hearing her say that she would be there to see me graduate highschool and to see my college games, when deep down in my heart I knew she wouldn't. All I could think about was how she was going to miss those things, how she would never be at my wedding day, how she will never meet the man I fall in love with.. How my children will never get to meet her. Those moments cut the deepest veins.. and crush whats left of your heart.

I even began to question if I wanted to be on earth anymore. I thought that if I just took my own life then I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I would purposely not wear my seatbelt, or do stupid things that put my life at risk because I thought to myself, if anything happens to me, at least I will be reunited with my Mom. Things weren't going well with my College either, which also made me question his plan. Why would he take me all the way to Florida if he knew things weren't going to work out? Every little doubt I had I just blamed on him.

I gave it all up to him that day, I set it all in his hands. After I gave it to him, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I finally felt free again, like my sins were lifted off and he forgave me. After that, things started getting better. I was able to raise my grades, perform better on the field, and I wasn't so angry all the time. I put my trust in him, and ended up transferring from Stetson University, to University of Tampa, still on a softball scholarship. I also started seeing my Mom in my dreams and smelling her scent. I didn't know where or how to start my relationship over with God, but I just kept praying for his guidance. I started going back to church, reading the bible, and even telling people about my story. I found people that could relate to me, and people that could help me through every step of the way. It wasn't easy getting back on track, but day by day I felt God working in my life.

Nights are still hard.. and I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. I don't think it will ever get easier, but I DO think I will get stronger. I have learned more at 19 years old, that most people twice my age have learned. I haven't been the best sister or friend, but life has taught me that every morning I wake up I still have another day to change that. One of the last things my Mom said to me, was to get on my knees and PRAY for people. There are days when I don't even think about God.. and all the rumors that have started since my Mom got sick don't make things any easier. People began saying that my Dad cheated on my Mom, and that my Mom was going to leave him if she ever got better. How could people say things like that when my Mom is living breath to breath?! They never saw the love that my parents had, and most people that said mean things probably wont ever experience it. To be honest, we are blessed for all the rumors that have been spread, Because together we had to learn to stick together. Those rumors defined the people around us, not who we were. We knew the amazing life we lived, and that people were, and will always be jealous of what we have. When I hear things that people say about my family, I don't get angry any more. Instead, I get on my knees and pray. No, God doesn't always answer my prayers, but he sure does hear them. His plan is far greater than mine, and I am still learning to trust that. My favorite bible verse is, Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart and do not rely on your own understanding- Proverbs 3:5.

My Mom finished what God wanted her to do here on earth, and she left a path for me to follow. Her path was cut short, and her footprints disappeared. But with God, and my family next to me, I know I can continue in her footsteps and do what God put me on earth to do. I love you Momma Bear, and when my time is finished I will be in your arms again. I love you more than air, and I will see you on the other side.